A Loving Leader

Notes – A Loving Leader

Title: A Loving Leader
Scripture: Colossians 3:12–21

Today we continue in our sermon series, The Christian Home. To recap what we began discussing last week: we examined the role of the woman in the Christian home, as well as her role in broader society and in the local church.

Women should pursue above all the inner beauty of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

Women are ideal helpers for progress! – and remember, that word for helper is not a cheap word!

There are two truths that I said last week that we must remember: healthy homes create healthy churches. If the home is dysfunctional, the church will be dysfunctional.

We also gave a concrete definition of the Christian home:

The Christian home, by definition, is the training ground for godliness.

The reason God has given us the family members in our home is for the sake of godliness. The reason your wife or your husband challenges you in the ways that they do, the reason your children, your brothers, or your sisters challenge you the way that they do, is precisely because God is working out godliness in your soul.

Your family is a gift, because through them God works out your godliness.

Your godliness is never absent from your relationship to your family. If you divorce those two, you are divorcing the means by which God has chosen to mold in you a Christlike character. And that is true not only in the home, but also in the church.

This morning, having focused on the role of the woman—who is called to submit to her husband and partner with him in this exercise of godliness—we now turn to the husband.

And as we turn to the husband, it will also mean that the picture of the wife becomes clearer. Not because the wife is somehow less without the man, but because the picture is only halfway complete if we focus on only one of the two individuals. We only get half a picture of what it means to fully see God’s redemptive purposes in the home.

In a 2018 opinion piece for the The Washington Post, opinion writer Susanna Walters authored an article titled, “Why Can’t We Hate Men?”

In that article, she describes having a soft spot for what she calls a radical feminist “smackdown.” She even indicates that she has grown tired of the refrain repeated by generations of would-be feminists—“we don’t hate men.” She calls that claim an obfuscation, too precious by half.

What Susanna Walters is arguing is that there should, in fact, be justification for hating men.

She contends that men are the reason women experience sexual violence.
Men are the reason women do not have higher wages.
Men are the reason women are meagerly represented in local and federal government, in business leadership, and in educational leadership.
Men are the reason women disproportionately occupy sectors of unpaid labor—childcare, elder care, care for the disabled, housework, and food provision.
Men are the reason women have less access to education.
Men are the reason women have lower rates of property ownership.

She further writes:

“So in this moment, is it really so illogical to hate men? For all the power of #MeToo and #TimesUp and the women’s marches, only a relative few men have been called to task.”

And she concludes her article with this statement:

“So men, if you really are #WithUs and would like us to not hate you for all the millennia of woe you have produced and benefited from, start with this: lean out so we can actually just stand up without being beaten down. Pledge to vote for feminist women only. Don’t run for our office. Don’t be in charge of anything. Step away from the power. We got this. And please know that your crocodile tears won’t be wiped away by us anymore. We have every right to hate you. You have done us wrong. #BecausePatriarchy. It is long past time to play hard for Team Feminism—and win.”

How does the Christian man and Christian woman answer such accusations? Is she right? Does she have legitimate charges? Are her solutions right and proper? Are men the reason for so much of the lack of women’s happiness? If you were answering Susanna, how would you answer her? And where would you start?

So with that in mind, I want us to think carefully about what it means to be a man, and more specifically, what it means to be a husband as a Christian.

So turn with me to Colossians 3:12–21, and we will read the Word of the Lord together.

¹² Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵ And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

 

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. ²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ²¹ Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

In order to answer Susanna, we are going to do as we did last week, we are going to take some time at the outset to define what a man is—what a man is.

If the home is supposed to be a place where godliness is pursued, then the idea of what a man is must be explored at its most fundamental level. And in order for us to understand what a man is, we must go back to the book of Genesis.

Last week, we saw that the woman was created as a helper suitable for the man. She is the one called to partner with her husband in the task of filling the earth with image-bearers who glorify God’s name. In that task, she comes alongside him as a suitable, well-fit, ideal helper—a helper who is necessary. Without the woman, man cannot fulfill his role. Women are essential. They are necessary, vital, crucial to the undertaking of the task of exercising dominion over the earth.

But for us to understand what a husband is—or what a Christian husband is—we must first understand what a man is.

Primarily, that means every man in this room this morning should fit this definition. Young or old. Short or tall. Lean or heavy. Regardless of stature or season of life, every man is called to fit this definition.

And what is the definition of a man?

If I can put it in a phrase:

A man is a loving leader.

That is the definition of a man. In marriage, that definition is teased out in particular ways, but it is not limited to marriage. Every man—regardless of marital status—is called to be a loving leader.

Now, that leadership exists on a gradation. Your level of influence changes over the course of your lifetime. As a young man, you may find yourself responsible for the well-being of siblings or close friends. As you grow, that responsibility expands. Influence increases. Accountability deepens.

You may ask, “Where are you getting this?”

Come with me to Genesis 2:15–17.

In Genesis 2:15–17, we see the call of God on man’s life. In verse 15, we read that the Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden.

That is a crucial—and often overlooked—reality.

The man is placed in the Garden of Eden to work it and to keep it.

I want to focus on three distinctive realities about man as man.

The first is this:

MAN’S PLACE: Man is put in a garden.

To be placed in a garden means to be placed in a sphere of influence. A garden is a place where cultivation can happen. It is a place where flourishing is possible. God has placed every one of us MEN in contexts where cultivation and flourishing can happen. It does not happen automatically. But it is possible. But like all cultivation, it is hard work, but enjoyable and pleasurable work if we love God!

And it is the duty of man to be in that place working it and keeping it.

Those are the two fundamental commands given to man:

MAN’S DUTY

• To work.
• To keep.

Now we need to understand what is happening here.

Often, men assume they are at their best when they are alone—in their man cave, immersed in a hobby, detached in their own private world. They believe masculinity is most fully expressed in independence, self-indulgence, or personal escape.

In a book I am reading with several men here at Immanuel, there is a man named Deegan. He was deeply immersed in motocross culture—a life devoted to adrenaline, partying, debauchery, and high-level competition. His world revolved around personal thrill and performance.

But something happened. He nearly died. Around the same time, his girlfriend became pregnant.

That crisis forced him to reconsider what it meant to be a man.

He slowed down. Eventually, he became a Christian. And he came to the realization that he was most a man not when he was out partying and disregarding his influence on others, but when he devoted himself to his wife, to his family, and to his church family.

He became more of a man when he embraced responsibility.

God did not place Adam in a wilderness.
He did not place him in a campground.
He did not place him in a hunting field.

God placed him in a garden.

And that garden, for you, is primarily:

• Your family.
• Your church family.
• Your workplace.
• Any sphere where you exercise meaningful influence.

Wherever you have influence, that is your garden.

And it is that garden God calls you to work and to keep.

Our tendency as men is to ignore the garden or lose interest in it because tending a garden is hard. Cultivation is slow. It is repetitive. It requires patience, vigilance, and endurance.

But God has placed you in your family—that is your garden.
He has placed you in your church—that is your garden.
He has placed you in your place of work—that too is your garden.

Each sphere carries varying degrees of importance, but in each one God is saying:

You must work it.
And you must keep it.

So the question becomes:

What does it mean to work?
And what does it mean to keep?

Drawing heavily from Richard Philipps – Masculine Mandate

To Work

WORK: To Cultivate as a Gardener

The Hebrew word avad, translated in Genesis 2:15 as “work.” This is an extremely common term in the Old Testament. It appears in both verb and noun forms.

As a verb, it most often means:

• to work
• to serve
• to labor
• to cultivate
• to perform acts of worship

As a noun, it commonly refers to:

• a servant
• an officer
• a worshiper

Because the context of Genesis 2 is the Garden of Eden, we must first understand avad in its agricultural sense. Adam was called by God to till and cultivate the garden so that it would grow and bear an abundance of fruit.

The command to “work” connects directly to the earlier mandate:

“Be fruitful … and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28).

So what does a gardener do to make his garden grow?

He tends the garden.
He works it.
He plants seeds and prunes branches.
He digs and fertilizes.

His labor strengthens living things. It makes them beautiful and lush. And as he works, he can step back and see that something good has been accomplished—rows of tall trees, rich fields of wheat, bountiful vineyards, colorful beds of flowers.

That is what it means to work.

It means intentional cultivation. It means active investment. It means putting your hands to the soil of whatever sphere God has entrusted to you and laboring so that life flourishes there.

To Keep

KEEP: To Protect as a Sword-Bearer

The other half of the masculine mandate is found in the word “keep.”

The basic meaning of this term is to guard or protect. The Hebrew word is shamar, which is translated by English words such as:

• watch
• guard
• protect
• take under custody
• exercise care

This word is used of soldiers, shepherds, priests, custodians, and government officials.

One of the most powerful ways this word is used in Scripture is in reference to God Himself. The Lord repeatedly declares that He guards and keeps those who trust in Him. In fact, shamar lies behind the biblical image of the Lord as a tower or strong fortress.

Consider Psalm 121:

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth” (vv. 1–2).

As the psalm unfolds, we discover that much of the help God gives comes in the form of keeping—the very same word used in Genesis 2:15.

“He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber” (v. 3).

God is watching over His people so that they do not fall.

“Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (v. 4).

The Lord is always on duty, guarding His people.

The psalm concludes:

“The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore” (vv. 7–8).

God watches over believers at all times—protecting them from harm and preserving their souls for Himself. That is the keeping ministry of God.

And His calling to Christian men reflects that pattern.

We are to watch over and keep safe all that the Lord has placed under our care.

This calling completes the masculine mandate. A man is not only to wield the plow; he is also to bear the sword.

As God’s deputy in the garden, Adam was not only to make it fruitful, but also to keep it safe.

Likewise, our basic mandate as Christian men is twofold:

• To cultivate, build, and grow—both things and people.
• To stand guard so that people and things are kept safe.

What was literal for Adam is symbolic for us!

We labor so that life flourishes.
We guard so that what has flourished is preserved.

That is what it means to work.
And that is what it means to keep.

Application

Men, Are You Working and Keeping?

Working the Garden: Cultivating Godliness

That is what it means to work.

As a gardener devotes time, energy, enthusiasm, strength, and wisdom to cultivating his garden, so also a man is called to till—to have his hands actively influencing and pressing forward godliness in the home.

This is the task God has entrusted to us as men.

So my question is:

Are you working?
Are you tilling?

Are your fingers dirty with the soil of the life of others you are seeking to influence.

Are you influencing your wife, your children, and your grandchildren toward godliness?

Single men—are you influencing those around you toward godliness? Are you investing in other people for the sake of their souls? This call is not only for married men. It is for all men. Because all men are called to work.

Are you burdened by the spiritual condition of your home? When your children fall away, do you spend time praying, fasting, pleading with God to bring them back? Is your soul vexed because your children are not following Christ as they should?

Are you eager to see God move—to see lukewarmness turned into fire, to see embers burst into flame for the sake of the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Men, my question to you is simple:

Are you working?

Keeping the Garden: Protecting What God Has Entrusted

And the second question is this:

Are you keeping?

Are you protecting as one who has the duty to guard?

Is your spiritual armor in place?

One of the saddest realities of our time is the dumbing down of doctrine. Doctrine is often treated as optional, unnecessary, or impractical in the Christian home.

I once heard a pastor recount how, when he was home from seminary during a break, his grandfather—a plumber, a blue-collar man—pressed him on infralapsarianism and supralapsarianism. His grandfather wanted to think deeply about God.

I wonder—do we still have that capacity?

Today many dismiss theology as unimportant. But doctrine is essential for protection. It safeguards. It guards the good deposit entrusted to the church—truth that must be handed down to the next generation.

Are you protecting your wife?
Are you praying for her, pleading with God on her behalf?
Are you interceding for your children?

Single men—are you devoting yourself to the training of your mind so that you can protect your sphere of influence? Or are you drifting along with the culture, unguarded and unaided? Do you think deeply about theology?

Brothers, we are called to work and to keep those under our care.

You are not only called to make the garden fruitful—you are called to make it safe.

You must not use your authority in such a way that the sword of your leadership turns inward and devastates your family. Your authority is not given for destruction, but for protection.

You are not to use your words to wound, belittle, or crush. You are to use your words to uplift, to edify, to point to Jesus.

You are to speak in such a way that your love for your wife is evident to all.

That is what it means to keep.

To guard doctrine.
To guard hearts.
To guard souls.
To guard the peace and spiritual safety of the home.

Brothers, the call is clear:

Work the garden.
And keep it safe.

MAIN POINT: WHERE MEN LEAD WELL, WOMEN AND CHILDREN FLOURISH

Built to Work and Keep — But a Virus Entered

Men were built with the hardware and software to work and to keep.

But a virus has entered.

The virus of sin entered into the relationship between man and woman to the point that the man accused God of giving him a helper who deceived him, and the woman indicated that she was overwhelmed by the argumentation of the serpent.

But we must ask: How did the virus enter?

How did the virus of sin come into the world to such a degree that every relationship on earth is now affected by it?

The Irony: Sin Entered Through Disordered Love

Ironically, the virus entered through man’s love for his wife.

Faced with a decision—either dismiss the entreaties of the beautiful woman before him or obey God—man chose the gift rather than the Giver.

And that reveals a crucial truth.

Dear sisters in Christ, you do not want your husband to choose you over God. You do not want your husband to be more devoted to you than he is to God. That very dynamic is what brought calamity upon us all.

We often hear the phrase, “Happy wife, happy life.” And I understand what is often meant by that—that a husband should seek to love his wife and pursue her blessedness. But behind that phrase lies a tragedy.

The event that most exemplified “happy wife, happy life” brought disaster and destruction to all mankind.

Adam took the fruit his beautiful wife handed to him precisely because he did not want her to feel rejected. That is how deceitful and cunning the enemy’s trap was.

And because of that decision, a curse followed.

The Curse Located in Man’s Calling

Notice the curse for the man in Genesis 3:17–19.

Where is the curse located?

In man’s very duty of working and keeping.

The text says:

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;
thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;
and you shall eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground.”

What God is saying to Adam is that the cultivation and the keeping that define his calling will now be difficult. They will require sweat, pain, frustration, and relentless labor.

But we must remember: what was literal for Adam is symbolic for us.

What will be hard for us is the cultivation and protection of what matters most—our families.

Last week we saw that the woman’s curse revolved around control, that her desire would be for her husband. Here, we see that the man’s curse revolves around frustration with his duty to work and to keep.

And what often happens?

The man devotes so much time to his work that he gives little to no attention to the very woman God gave him as a gift.

The Tension Between Control and Neglect

So you have tension:

On one side, the woman desiring control and affirmation.
On the other side, the man absorbed in labor, neglecting the relationship.

Into that tension, into that curse, God works with a purpose: that man and woman would find hope and happiness in Him before they seek it in one another.

Leah: A Case Study in Misplaced Hope

One of the clearest examples of this is found in Genesis 29.

Jacob had worked seven years for Rachel—not for Leah. Yet Laban deceived the deceiver and gave him Leah instead of Rachel. Then Jacob worked seven more years for Rachel.

But once Jacob received Leah as his wife, it became his duty to love her and care for her.

Instead, what do we see?

Leah is trying to find significance in her husband. She is trying to find joy in giving him what was most valued in that culture—children.

She gives birth to Reuben and says:

“Because the Lord has looked upon my affliction; for now my husband will love me.”

She conceives again and says:

“Because the Lord has heard that I am hated.”

She names him Simeon.

She conceives again and says:

“Now this time my husband will be attached to me.”

She names him Levi.

Three times she bears sons. Three times she hopes her husband’s affection will finally turn toward her.

But Jacob pays her no attention.

Then something shifts.

Genesis 29:35 says:

“She conceived again and bore a son, and said, ‘This time I will praise the Lord.’”

She names him Judah.

And from Judah comes our Savior.

God’s Design in Marital Tension

What does this show us?

God has allowed tension in marriage so that we would look upward to Him.

The tension Leah felt was not meaningless. It was not random. It was not beyond God’s sovereignty. It was designed to drive her—and ultimately both man and woman—away from self-sufficiency and toward God as the true source of strength and joy.

This does not excuse sin.
It does not excuse neglect.
It does not excuse wickedness.

But it does help us understand what God is doing.

Through marriage, through relational strain, through unmet expectations, God is drawing us back to Himself.

Because our relationships with one another are ultimately empty unless they are grounded in—and sourced from—our relationship with Him.

Moving to the Text: Colossians 3

And that is what we see as we move to our text in Epistle to the Colossians chapter 3.

As we said last week, the theory is found in verses 12 to 17. These are the attitudes and dispositions that should be promoted and endorsed in the Christian’s life. And where that is most evidently expressed is in the home.

Paul has already indicated in verse 1 of chapter 3 this idea that we are united to Christ: “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above.” Notice that this is a vertical orientation before it is a horizontal orientation. We are looking up before we look across—to our spouse and to our children.

Having been hidden in Christ through His death, burial, and resurrection—having found satisfaction in union with our Savior—now through that reality we are able to look across to the family that God has given to us.

Men, work and keep.

The Danger of Gospel Amnesia

The problem is that we develop gospel amnesia.

There will never be a moment in your life, brothers, when you will not need the gospel. You need the gospel now and forever, because it is the gospel that orients your identity and your purpose.

The gospel tells us that we were dead in our trespasses and sins and that we needed rescue. The gospel tells us that our deepest problem is not alienation from our spouse or from our children, but alienation from God. And until that is rectified, we cannot find the strength or the ability to love our wives as we ought.

So if you are here this morning and you have either forgotten the gospel or you have never placed your trust in the message of the gospel—which is repent and believe—then the call this morning is to do that.

Remember the gospel.
Believe the gospel.

Only in Christ do we have satisfaction. Without that, your relationships may flourish for a time—even superficially—but they will not have the lasting impact of a life devoted to working and keeping as God has designed.

Putting On Love: The Command to Husbands

With that message of the gospel believed and embraced, we put on, as God’s chosen ones, love that binds everything together.

So Paul says in Epistle to the Colossians 3:19:

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

Do Not Be Harsh

The word “harsh” has the connotation of being bitter.

I don’t know if you have ever drunk something bitter. One of the fruits I find nearly inedible is grapefruit. It is intensely bitter. If I try to swallow it, I cannot stand it.

Paul is saying to husbands: Do not be like that with your wives. Do not treat them in such a way that they cannot stand you—that your mere presence or attitude produces disgust.

If that is how you are treating your wife, you must repent.

And repentance is not merely asking forgiveness. It is desiring to do what is right and what ought to be done.

Many times we reduce repentance to asking for forgiveness. That is part of repentance. But true repentance also includes a desire to change.

If we are treating our wives in a harsh manner and we are indifferent to that reality—if we simply do not care—be warned. Be cautioned. You may be outside the Kingdom. There may not be fruit in keeping with repentance in your life.

This is no trivial matter.

A Supporting Witness: 1 Peter 3

Turn briefly to First Epistle of Peter 3:7:

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Though this chapter addresses both wives and husbands, here Peter gives specific instruction to men.

1. Live Wisely with Your Wife

The husband must live with his wife in an understanding way.

Not harshly.
Not roughly.
Not provoking unnecessarily.

Wisdom involves sensitivity, discernment, and self-control.

2. Give Honor to your Wife

The man must eradicate any attitude of contempt. Instead, he must honor his wife as a fragile vessel.

A fragile vessel is cared for, protected, and treated with gentleness.

Here the original design reappears: the man as cultivator and protector.

3. Understand the Spiritual Connection

Peter adds something sobering: if a man does not treat his wife well, his relationship with God will be hindered.

Many men fail to grasp this.

The way you treat your wife directly affects your fellowship with God. You cannot neglect the horizontal covenant without affecting the vertical one.

Your leadership in the home is not isolated from your communion with God.

It is connected.

And so the call remains:

Work.
And keep.

MAIN POINT: WHY? BECAUSE WHERE MEN LEAD WELL, WOMEN AND CHILDREN FLOURISH

 

Application

A Difficult Cultural Climate

We live in a difficult society, where men are almost universally assumed to be dead weight and needless.

Nancy Pearcey Quote:

These days, almost nobody blinks an eye when someone praises women as superior to men. At a rally, then-president Donald Trump extolled women entrepreneurs: “I hate to tell you, men, generally speaking, they’re better than you are.”

Not to be outdone, former president Barack Obama applauded women in politics: “What I can say pretty indisputably is you’re better than us.” He added, “I’m absolutely confident that for two years if every nation on earth was run by women, you would see a significant improvement across the board on just about everything.”^[1]

Do we believe that?

Should men leave their positions of leadership that God has called them to?

Men, will you take up your call to work and keep?

 

The Power Required: The Spirit of God

The call this morning is to work and to keep.

This is only able to be done by the power of the Spirit. If you do not have the Spirit of God working within your life, then this challenge is impossible. It cannot be done apart from being reconciled first to God.

A CHARGE:

A Charge to Husbands

And the challenge to husbands this morning is to work and keep—especially in your relationship with your wife.

Do not assume her progress in the gospel, just as you would not assume that you are going to make money without being proactive in making efforts to earn it.

Spiritual leadership requires intentionality.

A Charge to Single Men

Single men, you also are called to work and to keep.

I have focused primarily on spiritual realities because that is of the utmost importance. I am not discounting physical work. Physical work is extremely important and essential.

But the concern is that there could be an overemphasis on finding or doing physical work to the detriment of our spiritual lives.

If we are going to be healthy as a church, we must devote ourselves to spiritual health. That spiritual vitality should result in diligence at work and in the home.

Single men, are you influencing others for the sake of Christ?

Is there an investment into the spiritual lives of other people?

Are you tilling?
Are you cultivating?

Are you seeking that something would flourish—not at a distance, but with your hands dirty in the mud of the lives of others?

A Call to Action

Brothers, let us work and keep.

Women, support the men in your life. Encourage them to lead, and do not unduly hassle their leadership. Support them and champion them as they lead spiritually. Encourage them by supporting their spiritual progress.

Be the helper you are uniquely qualified to be.

Do not look down upon the men in your life—husbands, children, relatives, and friends.

Conclusion

Susanna has made the claim that women are worse off because of male leadership. It seems she has not read or seen lived out what the Bible teaches about male leadership.

Male leadership, as Scripture presents it, is for the flourishing of society. That flourishing should be most evident in the Christian home and in the church.

Men, lead by working and keeping.
Lead by laying down your life for the benefit of others.
Lead by serving and guarding.

Women, champion male leadership—not as a cancer in society, but as a divinely ordained relational structure designed for the flourishing of our homes, churches, and society.

WHERE MEN LEAD WELL, WOMEN AND CHILDREN FLOURISH.

^[1] Nancy R. Pearcey, The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books: A Division of Baker Publishing Group, 2023), 71.